Grief

I know you mean the best. 

But sometimes people just say the dumbest things when they're trying to help.
When someone is experiencing loss, we expect someone to say "I know exactly what you're going through." Or "wow that sucks, I wish there was something I could do." Or "wow, i can't even imagine."
Honestly, the most helpful response so far, seems to be none.

Just the response of a look, and maybe a "wow, I don't know what to say". 

Because honestly that seems to portray the most accurate honest feeling. 

There are no words.

Especially for what I've gone through. 

There is nothing to say, nothing that will magically make me feel better. 

So why do people try?
I'm going to be extremely bold and blunt here.

You're not special, there's not some magical perfect concoction of words you can put together that will just happen to fall right so that I am able to snap out of it, or maybe even make me feel "better".

 Sometimes the best thing that one can do is simply say. "I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can say." Because then, I at least know you're being honest with me, with yourself, and with the situation. Then after that, the most helpful things seem to be just hanging out. Either letting me cry, talk, or neither. Just being quiet or watching something. If I say I don't know, take that as truth. I don't know. But you know what, I don't have to know. I don't know what is going to make me "feel better", maybe I shouldn't "feel better" right now anyway. I remember during the obituary the pastor (his uncle) said "there's a time for grief, and now is the time for grief. we need to let ourselves greave.."

Everyone grieves in their own way. Some take no time at all, some take years. It also depends on what the grief is for. But so far in my experience it seems people tend to forget what others are dealing with until its directly brought up again or maybe you find someone crying. At this point you're jolted back into reality that "oh yeah, they're still grieving".

There is a song, A song that just about kills me every time I hear it.
Maybe, just maybe this might help someone to realize how things are effecting me.

Immagine sitting in a room across from a loved one who's holding a shotgun, drunk.

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      you're sitting there with a gun
I'll be the one, if you want me to                             If it would stop you
Anywhere I would've followed you                        I would have gone with you anywhere
Say something, I'm giving up on you           I'm trying to talk to you, help you.    

And I am feeling so small                                        There's nothing I can do..
It was over my head                                                 I tried everything I knew
I know nothing at all                                                .... I knew nothing

And I will stumble and fall                                      I don't feel strong enough
I'm still learning to love                                           I'm sorry I didn't know how to
Just starting to crawl                                                to love you wholly

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      I don't want to leave you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you                           I've tried so hard
Anywhere I would've followed you                        Anywhere, anywhere but here.
Say something, I'm giving up on you                      If I can't change your mind..

And I will swallow my pride                                   Since you want this, I can't change your mind
You're the one that I love                                         I realize that now, too late
And I'm saying goodbye                                          for the last time

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      I can't change your mind
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you                   So. Finally. I'm leaving.
And anywhere I would've followed you                  Still, I want to..
Say something, I'm giving up on you                      Please, please dont

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      Don't give up on me
Say something...                                                       on us.

9-2-14

Yesterday I finally decided to tell Dustin that I needed time alone to figure out what my needs were because I always think of everyone else before myself. He tried to change my mind and when I was finally firm enough for him to understand that I had made up my mind he asked "so you want me gone?" to which I told him 

"no I don't want you gone, but I need time alone". 

I didn't realize at the time that he was saying that he was going to take himself out of the picture forever, permanently.
Shortly thereafter I left for work and he told me he would be gone by the time I got home.
Dustin called me at work to tell me that I shouldn't go home right away, and maybe stay at my parents house that night. 

It took some convincing to make him tell me more of what was going on. I then realized he might be drunk, and when I asked him he said "oh yeah. And not a little bit."

You know the difference between people who want help and people who want to die?

 

those who want to die aren't *stupid* enough to ask for "help." 

At that point I realized what the situation was, and started pleading with him to not take his life. I could hear him playing with the gun in the background the whole time.
After a while of talking with him I convinced him to at least let me come see him. I went back into work and had to call my boss to come back in, then left before he was there, because I knew that I couldn't wait. 

I drove home, I used the carpool lane with no carpool, I did everything to go as fast as I possibly could.
I then texted my mother to let her know that he was trying to kill himself with a gun. 

She asked me not to go and let my dad go instead. I knew that if anyone other then me walked in it would be over. 

So I drove there. 

I didn't call the cops, and went up to the apartment. 

The whole time I was on the phone with him. Talking with him.

Trying to change his mind. 

When I approached the door I told him "I'm opening the door now" then I put the key in and opened the door. 

He was sitting there with a shotgun in between his legs. 

To be honest it was a bit startling, surreal.. 

I slowly walked in and put my backpack down and sat on the couch across the room from him. I continued to talk to him, and try and plead with him to change his mind. 

We laughed about some things. At one point he said there was no point in going to a physiologist because he said he "Can't admit I have a problem. Look at me, I'm sitting here with a shotgun between my legs and I can't admit I have a problem." 

I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came back I sat in my computer chair that was a little closer. 

I knew that I was not in danger at all. I knew I could have lunged at him to take the gun and he would do everything in his power to keep me out of danger first, Then keep the gun from me. 

I told him I just really wanted a hug. 

He made me promise I wouldn't go for the gun at all and he got up, put the gun down and gave me a hug. 

We stood there for a moment, I had hope, I had a moment of "maybe"....... and then we heard..

 "D*** J**, please come..." 

It was the police.

He pushed me away and went and sat back down with the gun, so that if anyone tried to burst in, he could end it any moment. 

They kept asking him to come out with his hands over his head. Then they started asking for me. They started calling our phones to talk to us. We finally heard them saying if you can't leave the apartment please answer the phone or call 911. I decided at this point to call 911 and they transferred me to Renton PD, and the dispatcher asked me to leave. I refused to leave because again, I knew if I left it would be done. 

The dispatcher said his dad was trying to call him so he should answer his phone. It then took me a while to convince him to pick up the phone. This whole time he had been asking me to leave because he didn't want me to see anything. He didn't want to hurt me like that either. 

I made him a promise that if he answered the phone, talked to his dad, and at least said "I love you, goodbye", I would leave the apartment. 

He finally answered the phone and talked to his dad for a few minutes until he seemed to decide he was done. 

He then tried to hang up the phone and looked at me and said "you promised". 

So I started crying and told the dispatcher that "I was coming out, but it will be too late for him.". I then got up and walked out the door..

I heard the gunshot almost simultaneously with the door close. I then collapsed on the stair.. 

I realized what had just happened...

The swat team had been called in, and the swat across the way kept saying I "needed to walk over to me (them)". 

I tried.

I really did.

But I didn't have the strength in my legs to hold me up. 

They kept asking, and telling me to come over. 

I kept saying "I can't!" to which they kept saying that I "could", and I needed to come to them.

I finally tried again and got about halfway down and collapsed again. They encouraged me more and I got up again, then walked down the rest of the stairs and got across the cement and collapsed into the grass. 

At this point they finally talked about coming to get me. 

Two officers came over, one "covered" me, and the other picked me up and helped me down the other side of the walkway to the stairs into the apartment across the way, so I was "safe". 

They then entered the apartment and started whatever they did. 

I sat in a strangers apartment sitting there crying. Eventually they asked if my family was there, and they went and got my dad. 

He held me while I cried. 

They took my statement. 

My sister was there too.. 

I don't really remember much after this part in the incident. 

Everything is kind of a haze at this point. (A day or two later)

I know he thought about it thoroughly.

He bought a gun that was a "home defence" shotgun.
He bought, "home defence" bullets, so that if it did go through any walls, it wouldn't make it through any walls or ceiling.
He even angled himself toward the outside wall so that there was even less chance of hurting anyone else.

He told me "you'll be okay, you have family, and people who will help you".

He told me, "my dad is strong, he will get through it."

(I feel like) He didn't think about how much hurt it would cause everyone left behind.

Hurt

 Gossip, assumptions, Just slap a title on it. These things are so much more hurtful then most people realize. People make mistakes, that's what makes us human. 

What makes us christian, is loving our neighbor like christ loved us, whether we like it or not.

I left my husband, for a few big reasons (some are non of your business) although a really big one was communication, But ultimately... I made the final decision because I got so depressed I wanted to kill myself. 

And before you start thinking I didn't talk to anyone, apparently I am REALLY bad at communication because I thought I did. Really and truly. So finally I left. 

I left my kids. I left my family. I left my husband. I left every friend I thought I had. 

With no intention of returning. 

I've always thought "how could a mother leave her kids? (And was asked this too) I don't understand it". Now I do. 

Because parenthood is stressful, 

family is stressful, 

not having a real friend I feel I can be 100% honest with is stressful. 

Loss is hard, 

health problems are hard. 

I'm so tired of hearing people say it must be so hard on your sister (not saying it isn't), but maybe you're family isn't close but mine always has been. My sister's gotten the shit end of the deal on multiple occasions, and I don't think she deserves it. 

But just because its her kids that have suffered doesn't mean its not hard on me. 

I cry for my sister. 

I weep for/with her. 

It's hard...

And I didn't realize how much I was trying to be strong and shut everything out. For so long I didn't take care of myself. Until I broke.

I've had multiple people ask me how I could take my dog and not my kids. There is a multi-faucet answer for that. 

One, I wanted to kill myself, I didn't want to expose my kids to that kind of environment. 

Two, I knew I couldn't take care of myself, how selfish would I have to be to try and take them with me when I know full well they would be safer, well cared for where they were. 

Three, it could have been considered kidnapping if I had taken them. 

And four, as silly as it may sound Amber is easy to take care of and supremely attached to me...

I honestly think she would have stopped eating and other things like that if I had left her. I also had the thought that I was going to leave and never come back because, then my kids wouldn't remember me. They would be too young to remember who mommy was. 

They could move on with whoever Dave found in the future and connect with her. 

They might not even realize they miss me because they wouldn't remember me. And if they did, they could just play it off like "my mom left when I was two, eh I don't remember her so its okay"..
I know these are all clouded judgements. But if you're reading (or still reading) this then you might be at least somewhat interested in what's going on with me. 

I want you to imagine a place where all those thoughts were considered okay. 

Where all of that was an acceptable variable because it was still better then the alternative which would have been "my mom committed suicide when I was two..."
I was in the hospital for a week, I was a voluntary admit. But only slightly. I was admitted into the ER, then at that point in order to get discharged I had to pass a psychological exam. And I knew I wouldn't do that. Not if I was honest. And I had my mom and sister there to keep me honest, so it was pretty much no turning back.
It was extremely healthy for me. 

I discovered a lot about me. 

I learned how to communicate. 

I realized that I do a lot of conversation holding in my head then think I've actually had the conversation so I don't say it and leave the other person out of it. 

Sometimes I've had such a thorough conversation that I genuinely think we've had the conversation so I confuse myself.

I cannot see my kids unless I have direct supervision from another adult, these are standing orders from CPS, because I have admitted that there have been times that I have had thoughts of hurting my children. So again, I say; try and put yourself into the shoes of a person who can think that.
I'm not okay. I will be okay. But I need to work on it.

I'm afraid to go back.
I'm afraid of where my mind will go.
I'm afraid that I will fall back into old habits and end up in the same place.

God is calling.

disclaimer: I'm terrible at writing, I am willing to learn but seem to fail every time I try. So that being said, it may be painful to read but here are my thoughts. Somewhat in line.

I seem to think and want to write things down late at night. So here goes.

I've been having a hard time with Christianity. Not that I'm saying my faith is shaken, at least not my faith in God. My faith in Christians? maybe.

Recently my facebook has been flooded with so much duck dynasty/homosexuality debate that I have been wanting to say something against the core of the issue. It seems to be skipped almost entirely most of the time. Love. God has commanded Christians to love. Love each other, Christians love Christians. But more than that, we are to love the unbeliever. We are to be Christ like and show God's UNCONDITIONAL love to everyone. Not just the ones WE think might become christian. Or the people we think deserve it. If God had his justice we would all be in hell right now because none of us deserve it. We are all sinners, myself included. So, I can be truly excited for an ex co-worker of mine who is getting married to his fiancee after gay marriage was legalized.

What is harder to understand for me is when Christians turn a blind eye to a fellow Christian because they are afraid of where they might be headed, or even worse a child, because one or both parents aren't christian. If you know a child who has only one christian parent or none at all, they may need more love and time than others. Yes, you or maybe even your child who is friends with them may be at risk for "falling into sin" or something because they have less Godly examples to fallow. But I will say this.
You or your child may be the only example of Christ in their life.
So rather than pulling away in fear of "falling away" or having a child become "rebellious" (By the way, all kids go through a rebellious stage, they just vary in intensity) You could trust God and stay. Help. Be something solid in there life. Because trust me, even if they have a single believing parent, they probably still don't have stability. In fact depending on the situation it may be worse than two unbelieving parents.
I can't say if I would have avoided certain life choices if I had had more than just Sunday (people you don't see other than Sundays) christian friends. But I'm almost certain I wouldn't have swung so far if I had someone to hold onto. The only reason I swung back was because of my loving family, specifically my sister, and my amazing now husband.

I do not regret where I have come from. Everything has made me who I am today. I am confidant. I have pretty much everything I wanted growing up. I got married young. I have a husband that is SO amazing I don't know how I got him. I have two kids, boy, and than a girl, within two years. I may not have the house I wanted but truly, I wouldn't change it for the world. I credit it ALL to God.

Now here is the hard part. And I don't really know how to say it or how well/bad its going to go over. But I feel it needs to be said. Because I think there are some who honestly are unaware of the issue.

My father was not a christian growing up. My mother found God after she had my oldest brother. She clung to church with everything she had because that was all she had. She wanted to make a better life for her kids. She did amazing for what she had as an example, that's all we can try and do, is our best. but as much as I love her, my mother can be intense. Some people are a little overwhelmed by her. So there were some in church that were just scared or whatever to be around her.    I was oblivious.    I went to church, I played with the other kids, I had a great time, I had friends. Had, I say had because as I grew up I played with my friends less and less. I wondered why my friends never came over, or I couldn't ever go over to their house. Everyone else was seeing each other out side of church. everyone else seemed to be more than just a church friend. So why couldn't I?
I think I was 14 when one of my friends finally told me, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to see you outside of church because your dad isn't a christian" ...... It all made sense. Finally. I was being shunned because their parents were afraid of how I might influence their kids. Or that my non-christian dad's influence on me might rub to them. I wont lie, I was devastated. I asked a few other friends and they said the same. Finally everything made sense. At least it wasn't me right? They weren't avoiding me, their parents were avoiding my fathers potential bad influence on their kids. Am I making my point?
I'm not the only one here. I was left void of any really close true christian friends through my teen years, because their parents were afraid.
That thought leaves me speechless, every time.
I'm afraid, I'm afraid that my kids will get hurt. That they might fall off their bike and break their neck. Will that keep me from that iconic right of passage? (and good exercise) No. Now you might think, that's not the same thing. But on a level it is. I'm sure on some levels it will be hard, but at the same time. I find it funny that I seem to have a easier time than most trusting God. Truly just listening ans letting go, and trusting God. I'm not perfect by any means. But I would hope that I will teach my kids the best that I can and help them to trust God to the core that, I don't have to worry about what their friends might influence them to do. And trust that they will do the influencing.
I have tried several times to re-establish myself in church. Tried many different churches because the one I grew up in didn't seem inviting to me. But I just didn't get the same level of teaching somewhere else. So I went back and tried several times to "plug in" and I blame no one for it but I fell through the cracks more times than I can count on a hand. So now, its harder than I thought it would be but it's time to close that chapter and move on. Since God is obviously pointing Dave and I in a different direction.

The two points I'm trying to make that have been weighing very heavily on me as of late are these.

We are to Love everyone, where they are. We don't have to agree, we just have to show God's love and let him do the rest.

And two, and this is the bigger point, and one that has been very hard to deal with as of late. The church abandoning someone because they're afraid of what/who they might influence. I get that there are some places you need to be careful with. But maybe God has a calling greater than you can see, or maybe even outside your box.
Or the age old adage, "Don't judge a book by its cover"? Before you dismiss someone because you think you know where they are, take some time to truly get to know them.

As a new year is soon to dawn I am actually looking forward to several things I haven't in quite some time. Including fallowing one thing I've felt God telling me to do. Sing.

An Introvert disguised as an extrovert

Its been a week now since I finally took one of those personality tests, you know the Myers Briggs one? And I've always been told I'm an extrovert. Plain and simple. I like people, I like getting out and doing things, and not a huge fan of being alone.  Here's the problem.

I'm not an extrovert.

I was kind of surprised, although apparently my sister thought so. But everyone always told me I was an extrovert. So I thought I had to be out there doing a whole bunch of stuff. And so i thought something was wrong with me, that in groups of people I was terrified of having to go up and meet someone new. Maybe that's a shock to people who think they know me. But there are a lot of things that I'll do just because I think I'm supposed to. I actually like being at a party watching people. Getting to know people from a far so I don't have to "meet someone new". I am incredibly observant, I will notice a lot of things that people don't usually, small little ticks about people. Anyway, I'm rambling. That happens. I'm really not that great with words. I don't know though, that might be why I have the problem I do.

All of my friendships are more one sided..

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that my friends are bad friends taking advantage of me. They're not. I'm saying I see my friendships as better than they are. I may think This is my best friend, when They might think , "oh yeah, she's a good friend of mine."  Now I realized this a few years ago, so that's not new information for me. I only have about a years period of time that I can confidently say I was my best-friends best-friend. And even now I would classify her as a good friend where she probably wouldn't.  I think I'm rambling again...
So any who, I think a lot of my problem is that most of my friends are introverts. AGAIN, not that they're bad in any way. But I think most of my friends see me as an extrovert and are therefore scared of me. I think in part because At this point I only get to see my kids most of the time and they're the only thing I'm able to keep up to date on so when I do finally get to see people that's what I talk about.
Most of my friends.. well really up until VERY recently all of my friends were childless (not a bad thing. Again, just a different phase of life). So I have found that either my friends are bored by my conversation or they're my sisters or my husband friends who think I'm "so cute" (still a child).
Now that I have come to the realization that I am an introvert a lot of things make since. Like the fact that I am terrified to meet new people, and I don't like being pushy, and I don't want to "bother" someone to hang out with me..
so I get forgotten about.
If you really want to hurt me, forget about me. Don't invite me. exclude me.
I get it, no one likes to be excluded or forgotten. Its human nature. But it strikes me harder than most I think. I think in part because I am afraid to meet new people so I hope that I can hang out with the people I know, and than they hang out without me and I feel unwanted.
I really want to fix this problem. I don't want my kids to grow up having to be they're mothers source of friendship, because in my opinion I'm not supposed to be my kids friend. I'm supposed to be their mother.
I just don't know how to fix it.