You can't appreciate the good days without the bad ones.
But what about the times that the good times aren't when they should be. I mean, some of my best times are with someone they're not supposed to be with.
I have a tendency of looking for something other then what I have. I seem to always think, eventually it'll be better, or, it will get better once.. happens.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like I might be finally letting go, finally living in the now. Finally able to live and feel, the way I need to.
I've been told, "it will take a while to get over this". And yet, seems like I'm being pushed to move on. Like what I'm doing isn't fast enough for what everyone else thinks I should be doing.

Dont forget me.

Dont forget me.

I feel almost an obligation to carry on, stronger then before. But at the same time, that makes me mad. That he got the easy out. That he got to quit and be the one to "inspire". That he could do that to me. But I know thats all in the past now. Now, I have to carry on. Now, I have to thrudge through everything and learn from it, learn how to live through it and help those around me. Help those that could be stuck there.

Grief

I know you mean the best. But sometimes people just say the dumbest things when they're trying to help.
When someone is experiencing loss, we expect someone to say "I know exactly what you're going through." Or "wow that sucks I wish there was something I could do." Or "wow, i can't even imagine."
honestly the most helpful response so far, seems to be none. Just the response of a look, and maybe a "wow, I don't know what to say". Because honestly that seems to portray the most accurate honest feeling. There are no words. Especially for what I've gone through. There is nothing to say, nothing that will magically make me feel better. So why do people try?
I'm going to be extremely bold and blunt here. You're not special, there's not some magical perfect concoction of words you can put together that will just happen to fall right so that I am able to snap out of it, or maybe even make me feel "better". Sometimes the best thing that one can do is simply say. "I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can say." Because then I at least know you're being honest with me, with yourself, and with the situation. Then after that, the most helpful things seem to be just hanging out. Either letting me cry, talk, or neither. Just being quiet or watching something. If I say I don't know, take that as truth. I dont know. But you know what, I don't have to know. I dont know what is going to make me "feel better", maybe I shouldn't "feel better" right now anyway. I remember during the obituary the pastor (his uncle) said "there's a time for grief, and now is the time for grief. we need to let ourselves greave.."
Everyone grieves in their own way. Some take no time at all, some take years. It also depends on what the grief is for. But so far in my experience it seems people tend to forget what others are dealing with until its directly brought up again or maybe you find someone crying. At this point you're jolted back into reality that "oh yeah, they're still grieving".

There is a song, A song that just about kills me every time I hear it.
Maybe, just maybe this might help someone to realize how things are effecting me.

Immagine sitting in a room across from a loved one who's holding a shotgun, drunk.

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      you're sitting there with a gun
I'll be the one, if you want me to                             If it would stop you
Anywhere I would've followed you                        I would have gone with you anywhere
Say something, I'm giving up on you           I'm trying to talk to you, help you.    

And I am feeling so small                                        There's nothing I can do..
It was over my head                                                 I tried everything I knew
I know nothing at all                                                .... I knew nothing

And I will stumble and fall                                      I don't feel strong enough
I'm still learning to love                                           I'm sorry I didn't know how to
Just starting to crawl                                                to love you wholly

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      I don't want to leave you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you                           I've tried so hard
Anywhere I would've followed you                        Anywhere, anywhere but here.
Say something, I'm giving up on you                      If I can't change your mind..

And I will swallow my pride                                   Since you want this, I can't change your mind
You're the one that I love                                         I realize that now, too late
And I'm saying goodbye                                          for the last time

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      I can't change your mind
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you                   So. Finally. I'm leaving.
And anywhere I would've followed you                  Still, I want to..
Say something, I'm giving up on you                      Please, please dont

Say something, I'm giving up on you                      Don't give up on me
Say something...                                                       on us.