Forgiveness / Acceptance

I always go back to the top and put a little disclaimer just in case.
I dont even know where I was going with this. It kind of just spilled out.
I know I'm hurt, and hurting. and don't even know where to start or what to say.
So I'm just going to leave it here and say this is raw, this is pain, this. This is real.

One of the biggest things I have had to deal with in my lifetime is a lack of camaraderie. Not saying that I haven't ever had a good close friend. I have just not been able to keep one. I have had many friends over the years. My first best friend was the girl who lived up the street from me. Our mothers traded babysitting and even wet nursed when necessary. We grew up together and were best of friends. Then My family moved, 13 blocks, but at 7 years old? That might as well have been the other side of the country. Then I gained another friend from church. We hit it off great and did lots of stuff together. If you wanted to find one of us you looked for the other. We hung out outside of church more then I hung out with anyone else. But that still wasn't a whole lot. We remained good friends until college when I came to a realization that I had a lot more care for other people than most had for me. Once I let someone into my life and my heart I will care for you above myself most of the time. But that isn't healthy in the long run. Drama happened as it does when you're young and stupid and I decided to sever the bulk of the friendship, mostly for my sake as I knew I needed to do what was best for me.I remember I had one friend that I hung out with several times, I dont even remember where we met but that faded for I dont even remember what reason.There was one girl that I got along with splendidly and it was more of a drift of time and different directions that we didn't continue close friendship. But Even to this day we can seem to kind of pick up on where we were and continue without hesitation.
Most of the people I knew growing up were from church.  I have gone to the same church my whole life pretty much. I have visited many other churches but always seem to come back to the same one. One of the big flaws of growing up there was that I was part of the group that did not have a youth group to speak of. There were youth, but there wasn't a group. Right as I got to the age the leaders left and there was nothing and right as I was getting to college age another stepped in a started one. So I was part of a group that was left hanging. I didn't get that camaraderie that a lot of young people get. I was homeschooled so I didn't get that closeness from peers, I did have a co op that I went to but only one friend came out of that.
One of the biggest things that I am finding difficult is that it seems that as Christians we don't know how to truly love our neighbors as ourselves. I am not claiming immunity of the action. I can think of at least two off the top of my head that I reacted poorly with. But ultimately and Christians I think we find it easier to write off someone because we don't "agree" with their actions. I currently have more non christian friends then Christians because most of the christian friends abandoned me when I made some poor decisions in life. Or even after when the holier than thou attitude of -I think I know better then you and will make decisions for you- attitude came around. ...

*long breath*

The problem with this, is that when someone goes through something like this is when they need a good friend the most. As I was told recently "its when things are tough that you see people rise up". I feel like as Christians we need to hold fast to help those in need, and I'm not talking about the homeless of starving in this situation, those come easy aparently. The hard part is standing next to someone even when its hard, Even when they don't realize they're drowning.
If someone is drowning you need to go help them. If they're thrashing and you can't get to them, you wait. You wait for them to pass out then you pull them out and do cpr. Because yes, you don't want them to pull you under then you're both in trouble. But if you don't stay around they just die.
I don't know, I've seen it over and over again. When things get hard people give up. I've done it.
But I feel like, as christians we need to be conscious of why we give up on people, is it for selfish reasons? is it for self protection? (this is not necessarily a bad thing). Is it truly because you feel God has led you this way?

Me and my family has been through one of the hardest years anyone should go through in this last year. And yet after all is said and done, the only real friends I have left aren't christian (save maybe one or two). My family is there for me, and don't get me wrong, I have christian friends. People who care about me and are there or trying to be there for me. But really the only people I consistently see and spend time with aren't christian. I feel like its a revisit of my childhood where I was the odd man out because my dad wasn't christian so careful of getting too close cuz she might drag you down. And yet, if you don't have anyone there for you how are you supposed to stay up?

         

            National Best Friend Day

Normally a great day to celebrate friendships that are usually so close you dare call them family. Your best friend is someone who will stand by you through thick and thin. You can find memes all over the internet about "a friend will always be there to bail you out but a best friend will be there with you saying that was fun" or something along those lines.
But what about those of us who can't seem to connect with a "best friend" I've had several "best friends in my lifetime, and honestly I don't really talk to any of them anymore. There are the few that just drifted away with life, just from being in different stages. There are the few that moved, either another city or another state which makes it hard to keep connections. Then there are those that you just can't connect with no matter how much you may want to. So today, in honor of best friend day I will remember the one that I miss the most. The one that was there for me through all the stupid decisions I made. And even when he really didn't want to support me in one very important one, he did it anyway. He did the only thing he knew to do that would truly support my decision and support me.

Inner thoughts after a good bible study

Inner thoughts after a good bible study

In bible study today we talked about the prodigal son.

There are a lot of things about this story that a lot of people like to hold on to. There’s the whole “well hopefully this person will be like the son and come back”. There is the other view of “you should be more like the father” or “you are/I am like the father”. Then there is the less used and more often missed third character, the third son. If you want to read the story its in Luke 15 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15&version=NIV

Most of us can say we are like the prodigal son, we did something wrong (sinned, hurt someone, left home for a bit) whatever it may be. Some of us more than others relate more to this story. Then there are those others who want to be the prodigal son except they don't think their “father” will be accepting of them. I seem to be beating around the bush, let me just hack it down..

I am a prodigal son, I left, in much the same way as the son. Not completely, I didn’t take my inheritance. But I ended up coming back. And I didn't hit “rock bottom” I was actually fairly well taken care of and rather happy. I just looked at what I had and decided I needed to be there for my kids. They are the world to me.. (hold on while my daughter comes in and wants to sit with me) ..I would do anything for them. I understand the fathers role so much more now that I have kids. I understand how easy it would be to accept a child back even after they took so much. But I also get the brothers role.

Sometimes we are mad at the younger son, here he is going off and blowing everything he has on whatever he wants to do, not working, not taking care of anything. He comes back and Dad’s just like YAY! MY SON HAS RETURNED! I want you to go the the butcher, get the MOST EXPENSIVE beef you can find, and bring it back so we can throw a party. All while you’re thinking, hey, this is my money you're blowing now. You already gave him all of his and what's left is mine. I've been here this whole time, doing what I'm supposed to do holding the fort down, Taking care of the fields. meanwhile dad’s been actively watching for him to return when he should have just given up on him. and now you’re spending a ton on this lavish party taking away from what I’m supposed to get as an inheritance.

We can look at it from another angle, as a friend we can be bitter that someone has gone and done something we think is so terrible, and then they come back and we don't understand how the family can just say its okay. We hold it against them.

I have had a hard time being the brother too. I’ve sat there and felt all high and mighty that this person hurt me and I’m not happy with it and they need to get their act together. When in reality, as christians we need to be there for eachother, even when we hurt each other. And to not be upset with God that he has forgiven them for what we see as such bad things because they repented. Because when we harbor anger, hate and malice toward another, then we are committing a sin greater than the younger son has, because we are acting like the Pharisees with a holier than thou, spirit. Which God says is detestable.