Panic

It feels like a deep dark black hole just opened up inside of you. And there is nothing you can do. It's like you lose all understanding of self. Everything starts spinning and you fall out of control. Your heart starts racing, you can understand that you're breathing small quick breaths, but they feel like an eternity. Maybe you should slow them down, but they're loud and big at the same time. Come on, all you have to do is open your eyes and look around. You're safe. But you can't. Everything is there. Nothing in the room is moving.. everything is spinning… everything else is doing fine, except you. All you have to do is look and see. You're eyes are wide open but you can't take anything in. If you think back on it, it's just blank. You're pathetic.

This has been going on for some time now. He's been holding you, supporting you, Keeping you from falling. This hurts him. You have to pull together so he doesn't hurt. But he's there. Despite you're falling apart he's there. He's still holding you. You're still breathing heavy, too heavy, he's telling you to take longer breaths. He's breathing longer, just focus on him. It's okay to cry, it's okay to break. He's got you, he's there for you. There you go, long breaths, it's okay. It's okay to cry. There you go. Just let it wash out of you. Breathe, long slow breaths, breathe… cry

A glimpse into a panic attack.

You can never truly understand what someone else has been through. Everyone has their own pages, their own triggers.

A severe panic attack can look very similar to this. But you can have smaller ones that throw you off just as easily, and as hard.

PTSD is not something to be taken lightly. You can be doing something completely ordinary and all of a sudden have something creep up on you and trigger you from something you enjoyed just a few moments ago.

I was laughing. Literally laughing out loud. Just a few minutes prier. We were watching a show that we have really enjoyed re-watching together. Then something happened. A trigger..

But it's okay, you're okay. You can handle this. It's no big deal. Okay, we’re crying, but that's okay. It was kind of a big deal. Hey look, just focus on the rest of the show, see you like this show. It's funny, It's cute, and edgy. Eh, just put that small thing out of your mind. You didn't see it, it's not a big deal, come on.

Though one may try what they know sometimes it just doesn't help. Sometimes you just need to break.

Today (or tomorrow, can't remember the exact date) Marks a date that isn't the best of dates. Better than some but still.

Two years ago today something happened that helped me to understand just how important it is for us to know who we are and make decisions for ourselves and not let others dictate who you are or what choices you should make.
If it haddn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to finally understand what it was like to make decisions for myself. Not out of a tantrum like it had been, but to stand up on my own two feet God gave me and make the decisions I know I needed to make because I wanted to make them.

This date reminds me to never let fear control my choices. To not let someone whisper into my ear what I "need" to do.

This date is also one of the only dates that I feel like I was terribly wronged and never apologised to for it. It hurts. When i remember it, it makes me feel the rift that is still there to this day. It reminds me that we are all human and no matter how good our intentions may be they can still hurt others in a deeper way then we could ever imagine.Our "good intentions" can be terribly wrong.

I was hurt, I was very hurt and very wronged,

I am better because of it, I refuse to let what was meant to tear me down to win.

I am who God made me to be. I am strong. I am confident. If you don't like who I am then you can walk away. Many people have.