It feels like a deep dark black hole just opened up inside of you. And there is nothing you can do. It's like you lose all understanding of self. Everything starts spinning and you fall out of control. Your heart starts racing, you can understand that you're breathing small quick breaths, but they feel like an eternity. Maybe you should slow them down, but they're loud and big at the same time. Come on, all you have to do is open your eyes and look around. You're safe. But you can't. Everything is there. Nothing in the room is moving.. everything is spinning… everything else is doing fine, except you. All you have to do is look and see. You're eyes are wide open but you can't take anything in. If you think back on it, it's just blank. You're pathetic.
This has been going on for some time now. He's been holding you, supporting you, Keeping you from falling. This hurts him. You have to pull together so he doesn't hurt. But he's there. Despite you're falling apart he's there. He's still holding you. You're still breathing heavy, too heavy, he's telling you to take longer breaths. He's breathing longer, just focus on him. It's okay to cry, it's okay to break. He's got you, he's there for you. There you go, long breaths, it's okay. It's okay to cry. There you go. Just let it wash out of you. Breathe, long slow breaths, breathe… cry
A glimpse into a panic attack.
You can never truly understand what someone else has been through. Everyone has their own pages, their own triggers.
A severe panic attack can look very similar to this. But you can have smaller ones that throw you off just as easily, and as hard.
PTSD is not something to be taken lightly. You can be doing something completely ordinary and all of a sudden have something creep up on you and trigger you from something you enjoyed just a few moments ago.
I was laughing. Literally laughing out loud. Just a few minutes prier. We were watching a show that we have really enjoyed re-watching together. Then something happened. A trigger..
But it's okay, you're okay. You can handle this. It's no big deal. Okay, we’re crying, but that's okay. It was kind of a big deal. Hey look, just focus on the rest of the show, see you like this show. It's funny, It's cute, and edgy. Eh, just put that small thing out of your mind. You didn't see it, it's not a big deal, come on.
Though one may try what they know sometimes it just doesn't help. Sometimes you just need to break.
Wow, you have described this as if I could crawl inside you and see it through your eyes.
ReplyDeleteI was driving down Petrovitsky and saw the sign and started to cry...really surprised me - then stopped and composed myself, of course. Had to re-look at that event and realize that as God has been opening my heart to have emotions and allow emotions, He said in my head - "even then" I started screaming inside my head, as loud as I could -- "Are you crazy!!!! Do you know what that night was like???!!! I couldn't possibly do that night and have emotions!!!! Forgetaboutit!"
Yea, so God is just getting me started on that part of my soul. In fact, he has shown me this whole stuff about being 'strong' started when I was 4 and sheltering my younger sister and brothers from an out of control dad yelling at our mom while I was telling them, "It's ok. You'll be ok."
One step at a time. I do want to get to the hurt and get it healed for a deeper freedom that Jesus promises.
Mama is praying for you diligently and your sisters too. We actually seem to have a lot in common....who'd have thunk.? Yea I pray for that brother too and your hubbies for sure (poor guys).
:-)