Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Hurt


 Gossip, assumptions, Just slap a title on it. These things are so much more hurtful then most people realize. People make mistakes, thats what makes us human. What makes us christian is loving our neighbor like christ loved us, whether we like it or not.

I left my husband, for a few big reasons (some are non of your business) although a really big one was communication. But ultimately I made the final decision because I got so depressed I wanted to kill myself. And before you start thinking I didn't talk to anyone, apparently I am REALLY bad at communication because I thought I did. Really and truly. So finally I left. I left my kids. I left my family. I left my husband. I left every friend I thought I had. With no intention of returning. I've always thought "how could a mother leave her kids? I don't understand it". Now I do. Because parenthood is stressful, family is stressful, not having a real friend I feel I can be 100% honest with is stressful. Loss is hard, health problems are hard. I'm so tired of hearing people say it must be so hard on your sister (not saying it isn't), but maybe you're family isn't close but mine always has been. My sister's gotten the shit end of the deal on multiple occasions, and I dont think she deserves it. But just because its her kids that have suffered doesn't mean its not hard on me. I cry for my sister. I weep for/with her. It's hard. And I didn't realize how much I was trying to be strong and shut everything out. For so long I didn't take care of myself. Until I broke.
I've had multiple people ask me how I could take my dog and not my kids. There is a multi-faucet answer for that. One, I wanted to kill myself, I didn't want to expose my kids to that kind of environment. Two, I knew I couldn't take care of myself, how selfish would I have to be to try and take them with me when I know full well they would be safer, well cared for where they were. Three, it could have been considered kidnapping if I had taken them. And four, as silly as it may sound Amber is easy to take care of and supremely attached to me. I honestly think she would have stopped eating and other things like that if I had left her. I also had the thought that I was going to leave and never come back because, then my kids wouldn't remember me. They would be too young to remember who mommy was. They could move on with whoever Dave found in the future and connect with her. They might not even realize they miss me because they wouldn't remember me. And if they did, they could just play it off like "my mom left when I was two, eh I don't remember her so its okay".
I know these are all clouded judgements. But if you're reading (or still reading) this then you might be at least somewhat interested in whats going on with me. I want you to imagine a place where all those thoughts were considered okay. Where all of that was an acceptable variable because it was still better then the alternative which would have been "my mom committed suicide when I was two..."
I was in the hospital for a week, I was a voluntary admit. But only slightly. I was admitted into the ER, then at that point in order to get discharged I had to pass a psychological exam. And I knew I wouldn't do that. Not if I was honest. And I had my mom and sister there to keep me honest, so it was pretty much no turning back.
It was extremely healthy for me. I discovered a lot about me. I learned how to communicate. I realized that I do a lot of conversation holding in my head then think I've actually had the conversation so I dont say it and leave the other person out of it. Sometimes I've had such a thorough conversation that I genuinely think we've had the conversation so I confuse myself.
I cannot see my kids unless I have direct supervision from another adult, these are standing orders from CPS, because I have admitted that there have been times that I have had thoughts of hurting my children. So again, I say; try and put yourself into the shoes of a person who can think that.
I'm not okay. I will be okay. But I need to work on it.

I'm afraid to go back.
I'm afraid of where my mind will go.
I'm afraid that I will fall back into old habits and end up in the same place.

1 comment:

  1. This post was brave, Kat. Thank you for being open. I'm glad that you want to be part of your kids lives again, even if that makes things seem more messy in the short term. If you want to grow/heal into a person strong enough to walk, sometimes you need to stumble, or crawl, or at least roll in the right direction. It's messy; it's not pretty, but it's right.

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