(Wow, I didn't realize this didn't get posted.. this is from August of 2014)

Before you say anything, know that i don't give a shit what you think. 

I it was that you posted what you did right after I said I was in a bad place. and other people made similar comments. 

I was in a place where I felt worthless. 

I thought my kids would be better without me. 

I thought my family would be better without me. 

I had no value. 

Your response verified it. 

Those agreeing with you verified it. 

I was worthless. 

They were better off...

This person is not a christian. Not involved in my life. But the others... they were at least, in way one or the other.
So why, do we as christians think its okay that because someone steps out of the perfect box of what we as imperfect humans are supposed to follow? 

When we should know better then anyone how tough it can be. Rather then making the assumption that someone has "fallen off the deep end", or "just being selfish". why not make the leap and ask what do they need help with so much that they haven't been getting, or better yet. Rather then thinking "how dare they", thinking "what went wrong".

I was lisstening to the radio today and heard a commercial for counceling and the lady was talking about how she always felt guilty taking time for herself. She always had to put everyone first, but she finally realized sometimes to put others first you have to put yourself first.

Panic (trigger warnings)

It feels like a deep dark black hole just opened up inside of you. And there is nothing you can do. It's like you lose all understanding of self. Everything starts spinning and you fall out of control. Your heart starts racing, you can understand that you're breathing small quick breaths, but they feel like an eternity. Maybe you should slow them down, but they're loud and big at the same time. Come on, all you have to do is open your eyes and look around. You're safe. But you can't. Everything is there. Nothing in the room is moving.. everything is spinning… everything else is doing fine, except you. All you have to do is look and see. You're eyes are wide open but you can't take anything in. If you think back on it, it's just blank. You're pathetic.

This has been going on for some time now. He's been holding you, supporting you, Keeping you from falling. This hurts him. You have to pull together so he doesn't hurt. But he's there. Despite you're falling apart he's there. He's still holding you. You're still breathing heavy, too heavy, he's telling you to take longer breaths. He's breathing longer, just focus on him. It's okay to cry, it's okay to break. He's got you, he's there for you. There you go, long breaths, it's okay. It's okay to cry. There you go. Just let it wash out of you. Breathe, long slow breaths, breathe… cry

A glimpse into a panic attack.

You can never truly understand what someone else has been through. Everyone has their own pages, their own triggers.

A severe panic attack *can* look very similar to this. 

But you can have smaller ones that throw you off just as easily, and as hard.

PTSD is not something to be taken lightly. You can be doing something completely ordinary and all of a sudden have something creeps up on you, and triggers you from something you enjoyed just a few moments ago.

I was laughing... Literally laughing out loud. 

Just a few minutes prier. 

We were watching a show that we have really enjoyed re-watching together. Then something happened. A trigger..

But it's okay, you're okay. 

You can handle this. 

It's no big deal. 

Okay, we’re crying, but that's okay. 

It was kind of a big deal.

No it's a really big deal.

Hey look, just focus on the rest of the show.

But I can't because everything is blurred.

See you like this show. 

But this *hurts*

It's funny, It's cute, and edgy. 

But that's what *happened*

Eh, just put that small thing out of your mind.

I can't, it's right there. 

You didn't see it, it's not a big deal, come on..

Though one may try what they know, 

it sometimes just doesn't help. 

Sometimes you just need to break.

Today (or tomorrow, can't remember the exact date) Marks a date that isn't the best of dates. Better than some but still.

Two years ago today something happened that helped me to understand just how important it is for us to know who we are and make decisions for ourselves and not let others dictate who you are or what choices you should make.
If it hadn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to finally understand what it was like to make decisions for myself. Not out of a tantrum like it had been, but to stand up on my own two feet that God gave me, and make the decisions I know I needed to make, because I wanted to make them.

This date reminds me to never let fear control my choices. To not let someone whisper into my ear what I "need" to do.

This date is also one of the only dates that I feel like I was terribly wronged and never apologized to for it. 

It hurts. 

When i remember it, it makes me feel the rift that is still there to this day. It reminds me that we are all human and no matter how good our intentions may be they can still hurt others in a deeper way then we could ever imagine. 

Our "good intentions" can be terribly wrong.

I was hurt, I was very hurt and very wronged,

I am better because of it, I refuse to let what was meant to tear me down to win.

I am who God made me to be. I am strong. I am confident. If you don't like who I am then you can walk away. Many people have.

Forgiveness / Acceptance

I always go back to the top and put a little disclaimer just in case.
I dont even know where I was going with this. It kind of just spilled out.
I know I'm hurt, and hurting. and don't even know where to start or what to say.
So I'm just going to leave it here and say this is raw, this is pain, this. This is real.

One of the biggest things I have had to deal with in my lifetime is a lack of camaraderie. Not saying that I haven't ever had a good close friend. 

I have just not been able to keep one. 

I have had many friends over the years. My first best friend was the girl who lived up the street from me. Our mothers traded babysitting and even wet nursed when necessary. We grew up together and were best of friends. 

Then My family moved, 13 blocks, but at 7 years old? That might as well have been the other side of the country. Then I gained another friend from church. We hit it off great and did lots of stuff together. If you wanted to find one of us, you looked for the other. We hung out outside of church more then I hung out with anyone else. But that still wasn't a whole lot. We remained good friends until college when I came to a realization that I had a lot more care for other people than most had for me.

 Once I let someone into my life and my heart I will care for you above myself most of the time. But that isn't healthy in the long run. Drama happened as it does when you're young and stupid and I decided to sever the bulk of the friendship, mostly for my sake as I knew, I needed to do what was best for me. 

I remember I had one friend that I hung out with several times, I don't even remember where we met but that faded for I don't even remember what reason. There was one girl that I got along with splendidly and it was more of a drift of time and different directions that we didn't continue close friendship. But Even to this day we can seem to kind of pick up on where we were and continue without hesitation.
Most of the people I knew growing up were from church.  I have gone to the same church my whole life pretty much. I have visited many other churches but always seem to come back to the same one. One of the big flaws of growing up there was that I was part of the group that did not have a youth group to speak of. There were youth, but there wasn't a group. Right as I got to the age the leaders left and there was nothing and right as I was getting to college age another stepped in a started one. So I was part of a group that was left hanging. I didn't get that camaraderie that a lot of young people get. I was homeschooled so I didn't get that closeness from peers, I did have a co op that I went to but only one friend came out of that.
One of the biggest things that I am finding difficult is that it seems that as Christians we don't know how to truly love our neighbors as ourselves. I am not claiming immunity of the action. I can think of at least two off the top of my head that I reacted poorly with. But ultimately and Christians I think we find it easier to write off someone because we don't "agree" with their actions. I currently have more non christian friends then Christians because most of the christian friends abandoned me when I made some poor decisions in life. Or even after when the holier than thou attitude of -I think I know better then you and will make decisions for you- attitude came around. ...

*long breath*

The problem with this, is that when someone goes through something like this is when they need a good friend the most. As I was told recently "its when things are tough that you see people rise up". I feel like as Christians we need to hold fast to help those in need, and I'm not talking about the homeless of starving in this situation, those come easy apparently... The hard part is standing next to someone even when its hard, Even when they don't realize they're drowning.
If someone is drowning you need to go help them. If they're thrashing and you can't get to them, you wait. You wait for them to pass out then you pull them out and do cpr. Because yes, you don't want them to pull you under then you're both in trouble. But if you don't stay around they just die.
I don't know, I've seen it over and over again. When things get hard people give up. I've done it.
But I feel like, as christians we need to be conscious of why we give up on people, is it for selfish reasons? is it for self protection? (this is not necessarily a bad thing). Is it truly because you feel God has led you this way?

Me and my family have been through one of the hardest years anyone should go through in this last year. And yet after all is said and done, the only real friends I have left aren't christian (save maybe one or two). My family is there for me, and don't get me wrong, I have christian friends. People who care about me and are there or trying to be there for me. But really the only people I consistently see and spend time with, aren't christian. I feel like its a revisit of my childhood where I was the odd man out because my dad wasn't christian so.. "Careful of getting too close cuz she might drag you down"... And yet, if you don't have anyone there for you how are you supposed to stay up?

         

            National Best Friend Day

Normally a great day to celebrate friendships that are usually so close you dare call them family. Your best friend is someone who will stand by you through thick and thin. You can find memes all over the internet about "a friend will always be there to bail you out but a best friend will be there with you saying that was fun" or something along those lines.
But what about those of us who can't seem to connect with a "best friend" I've had several "best friends in my lifetime, and honestly I don't really talk to any of them anymore. There are the few that just drifted away with life, just from being in different stages. There are the few that moved, either another city or another state which makes it hard to keep connections. Then there are those that you just can't connect with no matter how much you may want to. So today, in honor of best friend day I will remember the one that I miss the most. The one that was there for me through all the stupid decisions I made. And even when he really didn't want to support me in one very important one, he did it anyway. He did the only thing he knew to do that would truly support my decision and support me.

Inner thoughts after a good bible study

Inner thoughts after a good bible study

In bible study today we talked about the prodigal son.

There are a lot of things about this story that a lot of people like to hold on to. There’s the whole “well hopefully this person will be like the son and come back”. There is the other view of “you should be more like the father” or “you are/I am like the father”. Then there is the less used and more often missed third character, the third son. If you want to read the story its in Luke 15 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15&version=NIV

Most of us can say we are like the prodigal son, we did something wrong (sinned, hurt someone, left home for a bit) whatever it may be. Some of us more than others relate more to this story. Then there are those others who want to be the prodigal son except they don't think their “father” will be accepting of them. I seem to be beating around the bush, let me just hack it down..

I am a prodigal son, I left, in much the same way as the son. Not completely, I didn’t take my inheritance. But I ended up coming back. And I didn't hit “rock bottom” I was actually fairly well taken care of and rather happy. I just looked at what I had and decided I needed to be there for my kids. They are the world to me.. (hold on while my daughter comes in and wants to sit with me) ..I would do anything for them. I understand the fathers role so much more now that I have kids. I understand how easy it would be to accept a child back even after they took so much. But I also get the brothers role.

Sometimes we are mad at the younger son, here he is going off and blowing everything he has on whatever he wants to do, not working, not taking care of anything. He comes back and Dad’s just like YAY! MY SON HAS RETURNED! I want you to go the the butcher, get the MOST EXPENSIVE beef you can find, and bring it back so we can throw a party. All while you’re thinking, hey, this is my money you're blowing now. You already gave him all of his and what's left is mine. I've been here this whole time, doing what I'm supposed to do holding the fort down, Taking care of the fields. meanwhile dad’s been actively watching for him to return when he should have just given up on him. and now you’re spending a ton on this lavish party taking away from what I’m supposed to get as an inheritance.

We can look at it from another angle, as a friend we can be bitter that someone has gone and done something we think is so terrible, and then they come back and we don't understand how the family can just say its okay. We hold it against them.

I have had a hard time being the brother too. I’ve sat there and felt all high and mighty that this person hurt me and I’m not happy with it and they need to get their act together. When in reality, as christians we need to be there for eachother, even when we hurt each other. And to not be upset with God that he has forgiven them for what we see as such bad things because they repented. Because when we harbor anger, hate and malice toward another, then we are committing a sin greater than the younger son has, because we are acting like the Pharisees with a holier than thou, spirit. Which God says is detestable.

You can't appreciate the good days without the bad ones.
But what about the times, that the good times, aren't when they should be. I mean, some of my best times are with someone they're not supposed to be with.
I have a tendency of looking for something other then what I have. I seem to always think, eventually it'll be better, or, it will get better once.. happens.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like I might be finally letting go, finally living in the now. Finally able to live and feel, the way I need to.
I've been told, "it will take a while to get over this". And yet, seems like I'm being pushed to move on. Like what I'm doing isn't fast enough for what everyone else thinks I should be doing.